. . . muttered the ogre

A week or two ago I wrote to a friend in jail. Uncertain what resources might be available to him, I enclosed a stamped return envelope. The letter came back, marked “RETURN TO SENDER / UNAUTHORIZED MAIL”; it had been slit open and crudely closed with a little piece of tape, and contained a checklist which may be useful to any of you who may know a guest of the Solano County Sheriff’s Office.

This letter / item is being returned to you for the following reason(s):

• Photographs depicting gangs / weapons / unlawful activity/ sexually explicit. Limited to 5 photographs; no negatives, slides, Polaroid’s, sticker photos, frames or albums, nude or partially nude photos. Photo size limit 4″x7″.
• Books, soft-cover only, must be sent directly from the publisher / vendor.
• Newspapers and magazines must be purchased by subscription in the inmate’s name and must come directly from the publisher.
• No pens / pencils, envelopes (metered, plain or stamped) postage stamps or stationary.
• No cash / personal checks accepted. Money Orders must be legible and filled out completely.
• Inmate to inmate mail not approved by the Facility Commander. No Third party mail.
• Item cannot be searched without being destroyed.
• Item contains metal, wood, plastic, cloth, cardboard, paint, crayon, perfume, lipstick, stickers, glitter, tape, glue, power, liquid paper stains or unknown substances.
• Greeting Card size limit is 9″x12″.
• Limit of 5 (newspaper or magazines) clippings or photocopies.
• Packages must have prior approval of the Facility Commander.
• Drawings depicting gang weapons, sexually explicit and/or unlawful activity.
• No hair, maps, jewelry, catalogs, posters, lottery tickets, candy, trading cards, magnets, condoms, ID cards, stencils/tattoo patterns, date/address books or other ___________________________.

I copied the list as literally as I can, including the quaint msplngs; except that instead of bullets the list has ‘__’ (which I don’t know how to imitate in HTML). Note the hesitation between positive and negative in these commandments; pity the person who tries to obey them literally. It’s true that my letter contained “No hair,” etc, but is that really why it was returned?

As a favor to my dearest friend, I went today to the Federal Building in San Francisco to drop off a piece of paper.

I cleverly left my pocket-knife behind (and missed it twice) but, addled by a lifetime of drug abuse and masturbation, neglected to bring along an annotated wallet-size portrait of myself. (In the normal course of life, I may go weeks without needing to back up my claim to a name.)

Hurry home. Get the stupid piece of laminated paper. Hurry back. ($16 for the round trip.) Nine minutes too late for my errand, though the building was still open. The U.S.Marshal at the gate compared my face to the even surlier smaller version, but did not take a note of my name or check it against a list.

Picking a quarrel with an underling might have been entertaining at first, but it would bring me no satisfaction (I’m learning!), so I asked him instead to identify someone in a position to explain to me why such a policy was not a pointless waste of his time and mine. He was sympathetic and helpful on that point; perhaps relieved that I did not make more of a scene? The party I want is the head of the Marshals Service.

The trip was not a total loss: I had a satisfying Vietnamese lunch at Golden House, which would be in the shadow of the Fed Bldg if the sun were in the northwest.